steevie's good nighte kiss

Dear Nut man,

My name is steevie. I have two questions for you. MY first quesiton is how can you have a website you're apeanut?!

MY second question is a bout girls. I know this girl, A, who wants to date but I don't know where to take her or what do to odo for a date. What should i do to really WOW her for the date? CAn i kiss her at the end of the nighte???

LEt me know if you can help me.

Signed,
~ Steevie the Man

dear steevie "the man",

although you are clearly a drooling, pantsless philistine unworthy of my georgian quill, i shall answer thine appeals pursuant to clause five, section ten of the peanut clan scriptures:

"whosoever tosseth the drooling and pantsless a bone shall receive a heavenly spiced rind massage from the nitrate-rich angels fortnightly."

i am a saint.

now then, steevie. brace yourself: it is said amongst the peanut elders: rinds of a kind crave similar salt. being a dunce, i can only assume your pastimes include horticulture and loin-soiling. if you should perchance to notice a pungent urine-musk cloud billowing forth from the crotch of your beloved - or a bonsai tree in her locker - then you need only follow these simple steps:

purchase a pair of filthy dungarees

fasten them about you, one greasy tentacle at a time

ask your lover-to-be if she has been recently flagellated by any members of phylum heterokontophyta, for her sheen is rosy and pure

when she swoons, offer her a moldy asparagus and have her meet you behind the laundromat in her aforementioned "nighte"

when she arrives, sing "come sail away" by styx, shirtless

kissing the end of her nighte will be difficult, but you will find oil-encrusted, serpentine lips there if you look closely. these lips bear the secrets of the multiverse and untold pleasures of the rind.

i'm ready for my enspicening,
the peanut guy!