sorority function : earth

dear peanut guy,

ok i have a sorority function on friday and want to ask this guy to go. the problem is i don't really know him i have just seen him around and am interested in him and think he may be fun to go with and meet someone new. so i was wondering how i should approach him and ask with out soudning stupid b/c i don't know him. the thing is this friday and i wanted to ask him by wednesdaty at the latest. so thanks for helping me out!

~sincerely, stressed sorority girl

dear stressed sorority girl,

in an instant my skull was filled with light and sound. from overhead, the cawing of carrion birds sifted through my cloudy earbones and the answer came to me from afar. i saw you tiptoeing through the dormitory, with functions on the horizon; functions galore. 'who shall take me to the functions?' you called out in vain. would it be peanut guy?...

the gods got together to plan their own function and called it earth. said one to the other, "would but i had a date to the function!" replied the other, "ah, and how to ask without soudning stupid! for i wanted to ask jerry by 'wednesdaty', but 'thursdaty' it is, and jerry prances about in the rocky, violent terrain of this freshly born world looking cavalier as ever!" at this point, jerry stops by and bows gracefully. "why meet someone new when the peanut guy is right o'er yonder?"

a ray of light appeared in the distance and the earth shook. it was a man made of peanut, in all of his handsome majesty. soon jerry meant nothing, and the gods all took peanut guy to the prom and bathed him in candy while jerry sat about twiddling his thumbs and was promptly consumed in volcanic ash.

now i ask you...dream or destiny?!
the peanut guy!