"my friend never comes to church anymore"

Dear Peanut Guy,

My friend never comes to church much anymore. Can you help me talk him into coming more often?

~Cory, 8 Texas

dear cory,

you can't be sure until you find the horns, but i'd bet dollars to sweat lodge tickets your friend has discovered the wonderful world of wicca. what does this mean for cory you ask?

few times are more thrilling than seeing your first friend off to hell. i might suggest burning your friend at the stake or tacking her down and leaving her in the desert. this won't save her from an eternity in fiery brimstone, but if you eat a thimbleful of sand, chances are you'll see jesus.

halleluia,
the peanut guy!