"when i go to church, my throat will always be stopped up"

Dear Peanut Guy,

I like you. When I go to church, my throat will always be stopped up and I can't sing very well. On the other hand, after I come home from church I can sing very well. What should I do?

Love,
~Tristan, 16

dear tristan,

your voice has been silenced by the lord on account of your ungodly forays into white collar crime. for how can one praise His name on sunday when saturday one worships at the altar of insider trading? oh yes, tristan. your verboten stock ventures may have evaded the lazy eye of that pock-marked boob chris cox, but i assure you they are quite well-known to the peanut clan. our radiant silken vines have crisscrossed beneath the earth undetected for centuries, channeling knowledge from the far reaches of the universe into our subterranean georgian compound. we also know all about your secret case of astigmatism (kendall marie will be so very disapointed!), and that bogus hedge fund run by skyler murphy -- who incidentally is skimming a little off the top to pay for his calf implants in a desperate attempt to steal kendall from your lie-encrusted arms.

face it, tristan: your world is rocked. peanutkind has once again triumphed. not since the ancient times when horses ruled the earth and oats created mankind in their mysterious bog-labs to avoid extinction have elements of the plant kingdom held such a tight grip on the wheels of the world. with this in mind, consider the following excerpt from the holy peanut scriptures:

softly doth the nut descend
for he whose stock is falling
from the ripe and silken vine
when one has lost his calling

swiftly should the nut repent
by singing one great carol
written by all peanut kind
and played by john and darryl

replace the church organist's music with the score to 'rich girl' by hall and oates. you will sing like choirs of angels.

magnanimously,
the peanut guy!