holiday tips for the halloween neophyte

Dear Peanut Guy,

I am having a really hard time deciding what to be for halloween this year. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
~Confused about Costumes

dear confused,

ah, halloween! when deep from within autumn's bosom burst forth countless frothing children, like so many squealing piglets at the seemingly-endless neighborhood trough of sugar-gruel!

indeed, confused, how does one choose amongst infinite possible wardrobes to wear while knocking on the unsuspecting doors of innocent, taxpaying strangers and savagely blackmailing them for mind-boggling quantities of sucrose, else they succumb to any number of your sinister, feculent tricks?

how, a better question might begin, would angelic, cherubic peanut guy begin to advise such a deviant? for isn't it the case, dear confused, that to do so would be to enter that sordid, criminal netherworld preferred by you and your baleful, candy-worshipping ilk? surely such a move would cut peanut guy to his very core! his celestial edifice of glory would but crumble into an abyss of syrupy disrepute! his once stalwart rind would but wither to a rickety, pock-marked husk! his lordly, gallant stalk would but combust in a thick, brackish mushroom cloud of noxious hate-stench!

ah, but fear not, dear readers. as high oracle of the hallowed peanut clan i am sworn to produce infallible advice for all advice-seekers, from the most heavenly (peanut gal) to the most pernicious (confused). as part of my bygone holy oracle-coronation i received a secret rite performed by the highest, most bodacious peanut elders, whose soul-crushing charisma rays could turn the haughtiest candy-monger into the lowliest beet-fancier. they imbued my rind with the salt of the ancients; i assure you i am resilient in the face of such treachery.

as such, confused, here is your costume: all you need is an old pair of lederhosen, a sack full of oats, and a tin foil hat to avoid unwanted horse-calls on the brain-phone. for when the horses arrive, you'll be an irresistible feedbag full of rich, juicy oats. if that doesn't work out, might i suggest you trick-or-treat as that dashing salt-encrusted oracle, peanut guy?

freshly,
the peanut guy!